Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
