she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
