God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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