Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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