Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He better not be in your backpack
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
