After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I'm really busy with my period
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