my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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