You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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