YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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