I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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