Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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