ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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