I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Randomize
