I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
