Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
