Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
