Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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