Apparently you make a good broom.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
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She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
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Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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