You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
