you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
