Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
