U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
