life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you didnt know i had herpes?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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