his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Houston, we have a squirter
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
