the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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