I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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