finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
