I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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