i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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