i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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