In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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