If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
