Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
