I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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