I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
