Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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