Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
