After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
