her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
