I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
