sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
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I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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