apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
