He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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