Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
