You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
