A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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