They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
