This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
