I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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