Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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