Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize