There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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