He disabled his match.com account in front of me
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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