Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
