Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
