I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
