Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
